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Question 84: I have searched your archives but couldn't fine an answer to my specific question. My grandson has very negative reactions to positive reinforcement. Tell him he's done a good job and he gets all bent out of shape. My daughter, who attended your presentation in Kentville, Nova Scotia mentioned this was because it increased his internal pressure by making him believe he now has to live up to that standard he's just set. I can appreciate that and don't want to cause him any more pain. Would it be reasonable to encourage him by making it incident specific? IE..you handled that one really well, for example and let it go at that? Are there other strategies for providing encouragement and positive feedback that would not be as threatening to him? He is 8. By the way, my family came home saying your presentation was great and they will be going to every one within reach. They will be bringing family members and friends to the one you are having in Halifax in October. I believe you are doing a lot of good for a lot of people and I thank you for it. P.D., NS, Canada.

Hello P.D.;

Thanks for this opportunity to clarify P.D. -- certainly positive reinforcement is something these kids don't get nearly as much as they deserve (when considering their intentions and their hearts) and I recommend giving it as much as possible when deserved: acknowledging and validating the EFFORTS they are putting in, even if the results are not always what they or you would hope for, is most important.

You are correct that rewarding for a job well done is vastly preferable to 'pre-emptive rewards' -- offering the promise of a reward IF they accomplish this-and-that by such-and-such a time. Some other suggestions follow:

-be vigilant not to reinforce negative behaviours: for example, even punishing a child for a negative attention-seeking behaviour can still cause that negative behaviour to increase if the punishment entails more attention on him/her.

-rewards work best when they are "real" (i.e. logical consequences following from the child's positive behaviour rather than 'bribes'), when they are immediate and consistent, when they are salient and well-explained (i.e. the child is told precisely what it is they did that was good), and (and this is an important one) when they are unexpected.

I hope this helps! Take good care,
Dr. Dunc.

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