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Question 54: My son is 16 years of age he has mild tourettes....He is also ADHD and has a learning disability. He is attendng a private school now that caters to his learning disability and gives him all the help he needs. He has developed this attitude lately that he feels he does no have to do any work at school. As a result his marks are sliding terribly. His every answer out of his mouth is I DON'T CARE OR GIVE A F ---!!!! hE WON't complete his assignments or do any amount of work. We are tearing our hair out trying to tell him that he needs to finish high school and get his diploma. But he thinks he can be a bus driver or anything without working towards anything. I wonder if I keep at him about this or just let him fail and suffer the consequences? What do you think is the best route? S.M., AB, Canada.

Good afternoon S.:

As I'm sure you know, teens (particularly ones with neurology and without a whole lot in their lives they can say they actually have control over) are masters of power struggles. I think the more you push him the more he will resist what you are saying whether he agrees with the message or not -- I can recall many times where I had figured out that I should do something, and then mere seconds before starting my mother would instruct me to do that very thing. I can recall how my back immediately went up, how I felt "robbed" of the good feeling I would have had simply doing something without being told, and how I would then find myself resisting doing what only moments before I had been prepared to start.

Having said that, while it is important to allow your son to make his own choices (and either enjoy or suffer the real-world consequences OF those choices) you obviously don't want to watch him make mistakes that could influence the rest of his life.

I would suggest a "back-door" approach: by all means don't tell him what he has to do, but influence his thinking and "shape" his choices in subtle ways. Have conversations (not necessarily with him, but in earshot) about all the great fun college/university life was. Have a 'friend' of yours (in cahoots with you) over for dinner who did NOT finish high school and in the midst of conversation allow the topic of career choice (or lack of) to innocently surface. "Accidently" leave the internet running on an attractive-looking college website (on a page listing the various careers that can be yours if you attend their school) for him to find. Be creative. Be devious! And above all else, don't let it look like you are TRYING to influence him in any way. If he starts to approach you with questions/thoughts, answer them neutrally without a hint of "I told you so". And if he eventually makes the right choice, don't let victory cross your face -- congratulate him on making a sensible choice "all by himself" and be smug when alone........... :)

Finally, remember that these days people go back to school many times in life, and start new careers well into adulthood. Even if he makes some unwise choices now, it is never too late -- just one of the wonders that is the 21st Century.

Good luck to you!
Dr. Dunc.

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